Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You dont lie about slip and slides
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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