I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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