your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
