there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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