yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
