I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
