I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
