It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
