Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
