Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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