i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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