My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
