saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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