I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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