i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize