your parents love me but you hate me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
