Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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