The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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