It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
