my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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