What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
