omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
