And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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