She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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