WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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