Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
