you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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