roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
