All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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