And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
