He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize