can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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