i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
