Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
