I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
