Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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