i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
