I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
