I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
