I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
