Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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