If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
