God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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