He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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