i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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