I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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