This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
