ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
