I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
