Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
