I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
