if i can run in heels then i can drive
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
