Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
