i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You left your phone here
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