It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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