Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
