My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
