She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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