apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize