im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You need a sexual gate keeper
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
