I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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