fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
