So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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